This Twitter Play-By-Play Captures The Drama Of A Stolen Work Lunch

Stealing someone’s lunch is one of the worst things you can do in the office. For some people, their lunch break is the highlight of the workday.

So, when an office drama about a coworker’s stolen lunch in Los Angeles unfolded on Twitter, it quickly became a talking point.

Zak Toscani provided a real-time commentary on the events that ensued, sparing no detail.

Warning: Some of the following tweets include swear words. 

‘The Most Excited I’ve Been At Any Job Ever’

It was just a regular Thursday in the office, until the drama began. It all started when Toscani’s co-worker realized his lunch had been stolen. Bosses agreed to let him watch the security camera tape to identify the culprit.

“This is the most excited I’ve been at any job ever,” Toscani tweeted. “Ever.”

Not Just A Sandwich

Of course, the first thing everyone asked was, “What was the lunch?” Was it simply a sandwich, or something more exotic? From his prime viewing position, Toscani could provide all the details.

“The lunch in question was shrimp fried rice, which means this escalates from a misdemeanor to felony no doubt,” he wrote.

The Facts Emerge

Next, Toscani provided more crucial facts about the case. The lunch was in the fridge for less than an hour before it vanished, and there was no lingering smell of shrimp in the microwave or kitchen area.

“This was a professional hit no doubt,” he tweeted.

‘He Knows Who Did It’

If this was a TV cop show, this would be the moment the detective makes the breakthrough discovery. After an agonizing wait, Toscani gave another update to his Twitter followers, that security cameras had filmed the lunchroom and his coworker got the chance to watch them. “He’s back. He watched the tape. He knows who did it,” he wrote.

Keep Your Enemies Close

It turned out that the person who stole the shrimp fried rice sits right next to Toscani in the office. “She left for the day before the investigation started,” he tweeted. But would she come back?

She Didn’t Even Eat The Food

If the shrimp thief had forgotten her own lunch, some people might forgive her for snatching her coworker’s food. Hunger pangs are no joke. But it turned out that she didn’t even eat the food, as the security footage showed.

“She took it out of the fridge and threw and buried it in the trash,” Toscani wrote.

What Were Her Motives?

So if she didn’t eat the lunch, why did she take it and get rid of it? That’s the burning question.

“Her motives remain completely unknown,” Toscani wrote.

After viewing the security footage, the coworker “decided not to press the matter anymore.” Toscani added that he didn’t blame him because they didn’t know what this woman was capable of.

More Questions Than Answers

Toscani was quick to fill in the details surrounding the crime. The victim bought the shrimp fried rice around 11:30 a.m., and put it in the fridge to chill until his lunch break at noon. This meant the culprit had only 30 minutes to do what she did.

“There was no intention of microwaving the food,” Toscani added.

Charges Were Dropped

While some people might have wanted to take the matter further, the man who missed out on his lunch was only interested in finding out who did it. Toscani revealed that when the man watched the video with HR, they asked him what he wanted to do about it.

“He didn’t want to be responsible for someone getting fired,” Toscani tweeted.

‘My Blood Is On Cocaine’

The charges may have been dropped, but HR sent an email to the entire company, warning them not to steal people’s lunches. Toscani said the woman was due to get back to the office in 20 minutes, and the anticipation of her return had a huge impact on him.

“My blood is on cocaine,” he tweeted.

The Woman Arrives

Toscani knows how to set a scene.

“She has walked into the room,” he wrote. “And the room is dead silent.” He continued, “There is a palpable explosive energy pulsing through everyone but her.”

The Tension Is Unbearable

What do you even do when a shrimp fried rice thief is in your midst?

“From the moment she walked in, I’ve just been staring at her,” Toscani tweeted. “Watched her open her email and now she clicked on the goddam HR email!”

‘Anything Could Happen Right Now’

At this point, what happens next is anyone’s guess.

“I can’t move,” Toscani wrote. “I simply cannot move, anything could happen right now.”

When In Doubt, Deny

Clearly, the woman is as good at lying as she is at stealing lunches.

“After seeing the HR email she says out loud ‘woah. Someone stole a lunch? Who would do something like that?’ !!!” Toscani wrote. “I may have to run out of this room.”

‘Shrimp Guy’ Claps Back

Not getting the apology he may have been expecting, “Shrimp Guy” clearly wasn’t happy. According to Toscani, he said to the woman, “Well, yeah, it’s not OK to throw someone’s food away.” Toscani added, “We’re all about to start screaming.”

It Gets Crazier

Toscani shared the exchange between the man and the woman at the center of the shrimp fried rice saga. The woman responded, “Oh, it was your lunch?” Then she asked him why he would go to HR about that.

Not An Ounce Of Gratitude

You’d think someone who’d just narrowly avoided getting sacked would be a little thankful. But not this woman.

“She has simultaneously denied her involvement AND called the guy who saved her job a snitch,” Toscani wrote (with multiple exclamation points to express his extraordinary disbelief).

What Can You Do?

The next part was, admittedly, a bit of an anticlimax.

“Dude just sighed and went back to work after she said what she said,” Toscani revealed. If the Twittersphere was looking for more drama, it wasn’t going to get it here.

‘We Know Who Did It But We Don’t Know Why’

Proving that some questions surrounding a crime go unanswered, Toscani revealed that they didn’t know why the woman took the lunch and disposed of it.

“This is real. This is happening,” he tweeted. “We know who did it but we don’t know why. It’s a post production company so we’re in fact open today. She’s been sitting 3ft from me this whole time.”

The woman may have kept her job, but her reputation would never be the same again. “EVERYONE in the office from the janitor to the founder knows what she did,” Toscani wrote. “She now carries an invisible scarlet letter.”

More Shrimp Fried Rice Required

But Toscani couldn’t leave it there, and he decided to have some fun. “Unbeknownst to the guy and the woman, I just ordered 3 shrimp fried rice plates for lunch and will be hand delivering them,” he tweeted.

Again, Twitter was on tenterhooks. Presumably the man would be delighted to finally get the lunch he wanted, but how would the woman react?

‘This Is Utter Ruthlessness’

Just when you thought this woman couldn’t be any more brazen, she tucked into the fried rice with glee.

“She took the fried rice from me with a big smile on her face,” Toscani wrote. “She’s eating it and loving it. This is utter ruthlessness.”

‘I LOVE Shrimp Fried Rice’

The woman even declared her love for shrimp fried rice. But if she loved it so much, why did she throw it in the trash? Some people are just too complex to figure out.

‘We May Never Know Why She Did It’

Unfortunately, Toscani couldn’t give Twitter users the answers they craved. “I wish I could close this up with a neat little bow, but, it appears that we may never know why she did it,” he wrote. “Maybe she doesn’t know why she did it. Either way I’m now forced to work 40hrs a week next to a cold blooded individual.”

The Fear Is Real

The following Monday, Toscani gave an update.

“I was the first one into the office,” he wrote. “She was the second. Just her and I, sitting 3ft away from each other in an empty room for over an hour. Every breath felt borrowed.”

It’s enough to send shivers down your spine.

‘I’m Still Alive’

Luckily, Toscani survived to tell the tale — and at that point, the woman appeared to be oblivious to her online notoriety.

“She has not seen any of this,” Toscani tweeted. “OR she is thoroughly and convincingly pretending not [to] have seen it. Either way I’m still alive. Thank you for reading.”