Humor

These Hilarious Amazon Reviews Will Make Your Day If Not Your Whole Month

Read this if you need a laugh!

If you’re a savvy Amazon shopper, chances are you turn to the site’s customer reviews help you decide what to buy — and what to skip. But what you might not realize is that your fellow shoppers have left some hidden gems on the site that will make you feel like Amazon is giving you something: a tears-streaming, roll-on-the-floor, belly-aching laugh.

Over the years, Amazon reviewers have left hilarious product questions and reviews on the site, and many of them are for items you’ll be surprised to find online, even from this behemoth retailer. Keep reading to get your fill of funny Amazon reviews.

Uranium Ore

It’s shocking to see that you can buy uranium ore on Amazon, yet here it is. The product description notes that it’s useful for testing Geiger counters, and that “Radioactive minerals are for educational and scientific purposes only.”

That didn’t stop commenters from cracking jokes, of course. Patrick J. McGovern wrote, “I purchased this product 4.47 Billion Years ago and when I opened it today, it was half empty.”

Another commenter left a question: “Will this take me back to the future in my DeLorean?”

“No,” a user named ogod answered. “Your DeLorean uses a standard GE General Purpose Waste Disposal FUSION Reactor. U238 is not a fusible material, and thus will just clog up the intake, rendering your reactor useless.”

Good to know!

Hamilton (Original Broadway Cast Recording)

“Hamilton” is the Broadway phenomenon that just won’t quit, but in a review for a CD of “Hamilton” sung by the original cast, one buyer, Alvin C., felt compelled to thoroughly warn others just how awesome it truly is:

“Warning: Don’t want your spouse to smack you? your kids to kick your shins? Then avoid this album at ALL COSTS. You’ll ignore them. all. Brushing off this warning may cause severe feel good feely feelings. You may experience a spell of charisma, nostalgia, intrigue, etc. Once you’ve reached elation, forget calling for help. The addiction has now taken you. Soon your family will start experimenting with this album and know Aaron Burr and Alexander Hamilton are more than just a trivia question from the Got Milk commercial from 1993. Everyone loses.”

Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer

This innocent little banana slicer has pulled in a ridiculous number of funny reviews. A lot of them riff off of the product description, which says it’s “great for cereal” and “safer than using a knife.”

“As shown in the picture, the slices is curved from left to right. All of my bananas are bent the other way,” J. Anderson wrote.

“I can’t believe this slicer is listed as ‘great for cereal,'” wrote user Thumpin’. “I tried slicing Cheerios, Trix, Corn Flakes, and Chex, and each ended up crumily smashed, not neatly sliced. What’s worse, this thing is nigh useless on Cream of Wheat.”

Chandler, AZ wrote, “My expectations may have been a little high, but I have not been able to successfully slice more than 3 bananas at one time. Not sure how Hutzler can claim to slice 571 bananas with this model.”

‘How To Avoid Huge Ships’

This book, written by Captain John W. Trimmer, has so many funny reviews that it’s tough to choose which to highlight.

“Read this book before going on vacation and I couldn’t find my cruise liner in the port. Vacation ruined,” wrote reviewer Dan.

Noel D. Hill wrote, “As the father of two teenagers, I found this book invaluable. I’m sure other parents here can empathize when I say I shudder at the thought of the increasing presence of huge ships in the lives my children. I certainly remember the strain I caused so long ago for my own parents when I began experimenting with huge ships.”

Jim Henley asked why there’s no Kindle edition, saying, “Given that there is a huge ship bearing down on me RIGHT NOW I am extremely disappointed that I cannot get inst” before he was presumably cut off from finishing the review because he couldn’t avoid a huge ship.

These reviews even inspired a comic book parody. At $12.99, it’s a better deal than the original — used copies are currently going for $95.50.

Amazon

Luke Skywalker Ceremonial Jacket

This Officially Licensed Star Wars Luke Skywalker Ceremonial Jacket with Medal of Yavin is a copy of the fancy jacket Luke wore way back when, at the end of the original “Star Wars” movie. In addition to being made of materials “true to the movies,” the description says it “includes the Medal of Yavin.” Indeed, the Force is strong with this one!

Amid the enthusiastic Amazon reviews from fans, Cable wrote, “I tried this jacket on and not 60 seconds later I got a voice-mail on my cell phone. My phone didn’t even ring. Puzzled I decided to listen to the message. It was a woman’s voice saying that I was her only hope.”

G wrote, “I used to be an unemployed movie theater usher, but that all changed when I bought this jacket. Now I’m an unemployed movie theater usher with one of these jackets.”

UFO Detector

The description for this UFO detector claims that “Confirmed UFO sightings have been reported,” and that it’s “easy to use. Blue LED’s light in a rotating circular pattern in monitoring mode.” It’s available on Prime for $87.66. Perfect for the space fan in your life, right? Then again, buyer beware:

“I don’t know if this is a scam or if mine was broken, but it doesn’t work and I am still getting abducted by UFO’s on a regular basis,” wrote Cyphis in a review.

Darn. Good luck, Cyphis.

‘A Million Random Digits with 100,000 Normal Deviates’

This book‘s description calls it a “product of RAND’s pioneering work in computing,” but reviewers spied something else at play here.

“I was duped by the title of this book. It is supposed to be about random digits. And at first glance you do see randomness. But after reading the book a while I started seeing a pattern,” wrote reviewer Obi Wan. The review continued: “The top corner of each page (left corner on the left side pages, right corner of the right side pages) was a list of sequential numbers from 1 to 628, all in a row. No numbers are skipped. Even the prime numbers are included!”

Logan “Chappy” Alamos wrote in his review, “They sure don’t come up with random numbers like they used to.”

BIC Cristal For Her Ball Pen

If you want to take notes about “A Million Random Digits,” you’ll need one of these BIC Cristal For Her Ball Pens — a standard black-ink pen advertised as being decked out in “for her” pastels.

Reviewers went to town on this marketing tack. To kick things off, one of the questions from a potential buyer asks, “Is it safe for my husband to use?”

Courtney wrote in her review, “I see this comes in a sleek design. But as a ‘full-figured’ woman, do these pens come in ‘curvy and carefree’?”

PGC commented, “Well at last pens for us ladies to use… now all we need is ‘for her’ paper and I can finally learn to write!”

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Kelly A. Macpherson made a joke along the same lines: “I’d really like to buy a pack of these pens; but I probably need my father’s or husband’s permission first. Like I do with all my financial decisions.” Too funny!

The 2009-2014 Outlook for Wood Toilet Seats In Greater China

“This econometric study covers the latent demand outlook for wood toilet seats across the regions of Greater China,” the description for this book reads, and we’re sure it doesn’t disappoint at $495. It’s even in stock and available for Prime shipping!

“I’m not sure what all these rave reviews are about,” Revolverlbc wrote in a review. “I was just as excited as the next man to order this highly anticipated follow-up to ‘The 2002-2009 Outlook for Wood Toilet Seats in Greater China’ but it left me flat.”

Brutus wrote, “This is so weird. My husband and I were just discussing the 2009-2014 outlook for wood toilet seats in greater China the other day.”

In another review, S wrote, “What a lot of these up and coming kids these days don’t understand is how different things were in the Chinese toilet game in the 2009-2014 years.”

 

‘Looking For … The Best’ Of David Hasselhoff

This CD of David Hasselhoff’s best songs includes, well, songs you probably didn’t know the “Baywatch” actor had sung in the first place.

Oh Captain Awesomeface wrote of the album, “This CD came in the mail today and I was very excited to finally hear the best of David Hasselhoff. To my dismay however, this album is an exact copy of the ‘Worst of David Hasselhoff” CD which I already own.”

Unsure how this happened, Captain continued, “All I know is I now have one too many copies of a David Hasselhoff CD, which puts me afoul of the law.”

Amazon

Creative Arts By Charles Leonard Glitter, 16 Ounce Bottle, Multi-Color

What could Amazon reviewers possibly have to say about a simple bottle of craft glitter? Wonder no more.

Reviewer Brian Spatz writes an elaborate tale to explain why he loves this glitter.

“So I wake up in the middle of the night in my 2 bedroom apartment. I find me roommate passed out face down on the wooden floor. I think nothing of it and go back to sleep. The next morning I wake up to go to work and there is a homeless guy asleep on my couch. My roommate woke up still drunk and had made friends with a bum. And this is the second time he let a stranger off the street just stroll in and pass out. Great.

“You are probably thinking what does this have to do with my arts and crafting,” he continued.

“Well I bought this product and proceeded to cover everything my roommate owns in glitter. Every T shirt, every book, ever pair of shoes, his bed… I covered his entire life in glitter.

“Did he threaten to kill me? Sure.

“But will he ever let another stranger sleep on the couch? No.”

Wow! Glitter for the win!

Photive Hydra Portable Bluetooth Speaker

The story in the review on this portable Bluetooth speaker isn’t so much funny as it is downright amazing.

“It LITERALLY survived a tornado,” Jason Shaw wrote. “I bought this for my father-in-law for Christmas. His home was completely demolished by an EF4 tornado the next day. The following day entailed torrential rain. Today, we found the speaker amongst the soaking wet rubble of his home. Amazingly, it powered right up and is in perfect working order.”

Well, the description does say it’s “Waterproof Rugged Portable Speaker For Home, Travel and Outdoors.”

Sadly this speaker no longer available. With that rave review, we’re guessing they sold out!

Accoutrements Horse Head Mask

Even the maker of this horse head mask acknowledges that it’s creepy. A note from the manufacturer in the product description reads, “We’ve discovered yet another universal truth — a person wearing a Horse Head Mask looks downright disturbing.” That’s just inviting reviewers to flex their funny bones.

“It is day 87 and the horses have accepted me as one of their own” ByronicHero wrote in his review. “I have grown to understand and respect their gentle ways.”

A Human Reviewer wrote, “This mask imbues the wearer with super-human abilities. The power to make everyone around you feel akward [sic] and uncomfortable being first among them.”

The Mountain Three Wolf Moon Short Sleeve Tee

According to the product description, this T-shirt features “Artist Antonia Neshev’s infamous masterpiece,” a pack of three wolves howling at an American-flag moon. It also notes that it’s “One of the most reviewed and best-selling apparel items in Amazon history.” There’s a reason for that.

One buyer’s question asks, “Is this shirt safe to wash or will my washing machine take away all its magic?”

“Currently running the country side with a pack of wolves after having put on this shirt,” wrote reviewer Matthew Costlow. “Will review later.”

“Received this shirt just in time for my job interview,” wrote Mellow Mel. “After seeing my awesome attire, the interviewing manager offered me his job. Of course I accepted. I asked what he was going to do now? He said he would like to post for the position that I had came in to interview for. I told him that he was not qualified, but I did wish him well in his future endeavors.”

Cashel Daddle Saddle

The Daddle is a toy saddle designed to go on dad’s back when little kiddos and dad are playing horsey.

Wayfinder wrote that the Daddle was all fun and games “until the fateful day my wife bought the boy some spurs.”

Wandrwoman, who seems knowledgeable about equestrian sports, noted that the Daddle is “Not Appropriate For Dressage!” in her review. “Please note that this Daddle is Western Style and will not be appropriate for those trained in the English Father Riding Method whereby one holds a rein in each hand and posts the trot. If you are looking forward to father jumping, father fox hunting, father polo or daddy dressage you will not be able to use this Daddle.”

Penguin Overhead Mask

The Bristol Novelty BM305 Penguin Overhead Mask is yet another creepy animal-head mask with some entertaining reviews.

“I wear this mask to sing lullabies to my children,” user Lemon God wrote. “They are terrified of the mask. Whenever they protest about their bedtime, or ask for too many sweets, I whip on the mask, and they soon know who is King Penguin.”

Those kids are going to have nightmares … but it’s still pretty funny!

Nexus Silent Wired Mouse

This silent mouse doesn’t make the click sound a traditional mouse makes, and one reviewer decided to riff on the idea that mouse clicks could become too much for a relationship to withstand.

“My girlfriend and I were on the verge of breaking up because I would keep her awake at night with my constant mouse clicking,” wrote LooseSeal. “NOT ANYMORE! Consider this relationship saved. This mouse is so silent she will sometimes forget I’m even home and invite her lover over. He’s a pretty cool guy.”

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Amazon

Badonkadonk Land Cruiser/Tank

The JL421 Badonkadonk Land Cruiser/Tank is a “land vehicle and battle tank” that “carries cargo or a crew of up to five internally or on the roof” and is “piloted from within the armored shell or from an exposed standing position through the hatch,” according to the product description.

Here we go.

“No more being stuck at the end of the pick up carline at school!” Happy Camper wrote.

KaliMau wrote, “I’ve had mine for about 2 years and it was great. Sand dunes. Rivers. Middle Eastern invasion. But it’s really hard to find a mechanic who can work on these things. When I had to have AAA tow me home from the Crab Night Casino Buffet about 3 months ago, I figured my Badonkadonk was headed for scrap.

“But seal the interior and place the Badonkadonk over a large firepit and you have instant hot tub. That saved me about $10k on a hot tub purchase.”

Sadly the Badonkadonk is no longer available on Amazon, so you’ll have to find your Christmas tank elsewhere.

Amazon

White Face Paint

This simple tube of white face paint has inspired quite a few creative reviews on Amazon.

M. Taylor wrote, “My mime class went ape-crazy over this stuff. Comments ranged from ‘_________!’ to ‘__________!!!’. You’ve never seen people so excited.”

David Davey wrote, “I am just an ordinary redheaded man, I bought this face paint and used it as sunscreen on my face, later in the day I was mobbed by people asking for my autograph as I entered a Mcdonalds store!! I even got free macca’s to boot!”

AutoExec Wheelmate Steering Wheel Attachable Work Surface Tray

This steering wheel work tray is intended for use in parked vehicles, not working on your laptop as you drive, but because the photos and description don’t put that front and center, reviewers had a good time with this one.

The first customer question on this item reads: “What’s the average number of fatalties per user? Just an estimate is fine.” Answer: “The question is misleading. The number of people killed ‘using this device’ is zero. The people who have been killed are all the drivers of other cars, pedestrians, bike riders and joggers.”

George Takei, the beloved Star Trek actor, is also a prolific reviewer of products on Amazon — and he gave this tray a good-natured ribbing: “My husband Brad always warns me not to try and update my Facebook page while I’m driving. ‘You’ll hit another pedestrian,’ he says. ‘This isn’t the Enterprise, there isn’t a deflector array.’ Then along comes a miracle product like this! I can now happily fly at warp speed down the streets of Los Angeles, laptop or mobile device perched right in front of me, so I can keep both eyes right on it AND on the road. It’s so much easier to ignore all the frightened screams and annoying honking when you’ve got Facebook to look at while driving. Thank you, Wheelmate!”

‘The Wolf Of Wall Street’

This Martin Scorsese-directed film won critical acclaim and plenty of Oscar nominations, but some Amazon users who bought the movie on Blu-Ray weren’t impressed.

“There are no wolves in this movie,” wrote T. Berube.

Ha!

Wenger 16999 Swiss Army Knife Giant

This Swiss Army Knife is just … extra. It has 87 implements and won’t fit in your pocket — it measures 11.8 by 10.8 by 4.3 inches. It’s a lot to take in, and Amazon’s reviewers don’t disappoint. All of the reviews and questions on the main page for this knife are jokes, starting with: “Where is the Flugelhorn? Answer: Right in between the warp drive and the creme brulee torch.”

“When I forgot to take it out of my backpack before trying to board my flight the helpful TSA agent at the security area pointed out that by deploying the two larger blades and the jet engine on the back side I really didn’t need a commercial flight, just a runway and some goggles,” B.W. Behling wrote. “Boy, did I feel dumb, but I saved $605 on airfare!”

Owenlong wrote, “I forgot the knife in the front pocket of my Swiss Army shorts and when my wife washed them it completely disassembled our washing machine.”

Zenith Men’s Automatic Titanium Diving Watch

Luxury items are an easy target for snarky reviewers, so it’s not surprising that a series of funny reviews took off on this Zenith titanium diving watch.

The Swiss watchmaker has creations that sell for more than $100,000, so reviewer Zee Hamid joked that some apparent price-slashing was too good of a deal to pass up.

“I wasn’t going to buy this watch, but then I noticed Amazon had it with $58,000 off!” he wrote. “What a deal. With the money I saved I purchased a brand new BMW and still had money left over for a Disney vacation. How many watches save you money to buy a car and a vacation?”

“Now whenever I see someone with money troubles I tell them to buy this watch and save $58,000,” he continued. “I am considering buying 10 of these watches so I can save $580,000 and buy a house on cash. Retirement saving is also no longer a concern for me, as I plan to buy one every year and live off the $58,000 I save.”

Playmobil Security Check Point

The Playmobile Security Check Point playset comes with the metal detector travelers walk through at the airport, as well as the conveyor belt that runs luggage through an X-ray machine. So it’s no wonder that this item spawned some TSA jokes.

One potential buyer asked, “Does it come with a TSA Pre-check bypass lane?”

“I ordered this toy a few weeks ago and, to save on shipping, combined it with a Swiss Army pocket knife, a bottle of shampoo, a padlock, and a few shirts,” CJS wrote. “Imagine my surprise when the package arrived sans knife or shampoo and with all of the clothing unfolded. The padlock I ordered was also damaged, with marks resembling those from bolt cutters. Strange.”

Tuscan Dairy Whole Vitamin D Milk

What can reviewers lampoon about a standard gallon jug of milk? Ho boy.

One Amazon user asked: “If I spill it, can I cry?” The top answer: “If you do it is best to cry either next to it or below it. Crying over it is useless.”

A Poe-styled poem — eight whole stanzas! — about the milk (and a feline visitor “with an incessant purring”) from reviewer Edgar ends, finally, “Quoth the kitten, ‘Get some more.'”

“Has anyone else tried pouring this stuff over dry cereal?” J. Fitzsimmons wrote. “A-W-E-S-O-M-E!”

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